Giving Advice and Sacred Attention Therapy

by Robert Meagher on 03/02/19

The therapeutic process is a mystery. And Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) is no exception. To help demystify the process, I offer an introductory session to new aspirants. When I meet with an aspirant for the first time, I invite the meeting to (a) get to know each other a little; (b) learn about what has brought the aspirant to therapy and what their expectations are of the process; and (c) share with the aspirant how I work and equally, if not more important, how I do not work.

When I begin sharing with the aspirant how I work and do not work, I typically begin by talking about how I do not work. I explain that I do not give advice and I share that I do not give advice for three important reasons:

1.      It is none of my business how someone lives their life. I should be coming to a session with an aspirant in non-judgement. How someone lives their life is a divine fulfillment of their free will and the choices they make. It is not up to me to interfere with the aspirant’s free will and decision making.

2.      I cannot know what is best for someone. I can only know what it best for me. The most I can do is to help the person discover what is best for themselves.

3.      I have to let people live their own lives and learn their own lessons. I can accompany an aspirant on the journey, and support them as requested, but telling them how to live their lives is not what we do in Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT).

More than once an aspirant has said to me after hearing the above, “If you aren’t going to give me any advice, why am I coming to you?” Their question gives me important insight to their expectations of the therapeutic process.

I typically reply, “That is a very good question; why are you coming to me?!” The question allows me to probe further into the true (or truer) reason(s) the person is coming to therapy. In SAT we are all too aware that the reason the aspirant thinks they are company to therapy is not the ‘real’ reason. It is rare that an aspirant it mature and evolved enough to know the depths of truth that has brought them to therapy. We pay close attention to the reasons the aspirant thinks they are coming to therapy, and we hold the awareness lightly; knowing that the truth will reveal itself in time, should the aspirant choose to embark on the inner journey.

My life teachings have intuitively guided me toward listening to my own heart in all matters. I simply do not understand why anyone would want to take someone else’s advice. Wouldn’t we be far better off to do whatever it is we need to do to develop our own strength and sense of guidance in life? Why would we want to give over that gift, that power, that sense of knowing to someone else? It doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense to me is to develop a relationship and/or connection with that authentic part of ourselves that can truly and honestly guide us lovingly through life.

SAT is not alone in this foundational practice of not giving advice. Parker Palmer talks about the perils of giving advice this way:

Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed—to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.¹

Heather Plett says it this way:

To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (i.e., trying to fix their problems), shaming them (i.e., implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (i.e., giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.²

In our topsy-turvy world, people want answers. The reason people want answers is because they have lost their inner guidance system—their ability to know what is right for them. Richard Harvey writes “What went wrong? Has there ever been a time when people looked so desperately for guidance, when their inner sense of referral was so lacking? When their alienation from their inner wisdom was so total.³

In SAT, if we do anything, we give the aspirant back to themselves. We offer with our presence to show, once again, the aspirant their true, Divine self—the Self that is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. Through a process of listening with the whole self to the soul of the other, SAT practitioners foster the removal of the blockages to truth. And that’s all therapy is, nothing more and nothing less, the removal of the blockages to truth.

There is nothing right or wrong, good or bad about giving advice. But the old parable about giving a man a fish, versus teaching a man how to fish comes to mind. As the parable goes, a man is given the opportunity to either give a man a fish to feed him and him and his hungry family, or to teach the man how to fish. The fisherman responds to the options with this gem of wisdom:

“Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.”

I see advice in the same light. Give advice and feed the aspirant for the day. Witness and commune with the soul and feed the aspirant for a lifetime.

 

1.    1. Palmer, Parker. “My Misgivings About Advice.” www.awakin.org. January 23, 2017.

2.    2.  Plett, Heather. “What It Means To ‘Hold Space’ For People, Plus Eight Tips On How To Do It Well.” www.heatherplatt.com. March, 11, 2015.

3.    3.  Harvey, Richard. “I Give You Back YourSelf.” http://www.therapyandspirituality.com/articles/i-give-you-back-yourself.html

 

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.