I am not happy. I am not sad. I am at peace.

I had an interesting exchange with a friend recently that was illuminating for me. The exchange was, on the surface, a rather mundane conversation, but underneath I was presented with a significant realization.

My friend and I were sitting in a café having a coffee. After about 20 minutes of sharing, my friend said to me, “You know, Rob, you don’t ever seem to get excited about anything. Are you happy with your life?” As I took in my friend’s question, an immense peace came over me. I may describe the sensation as joy.

I paused and, looking at my friend, said, “You know, you may be right about not getting excited about much. Perhaps I have unconsciously imbued the symbolic Buddhist teachings about the ‘middle way,’ to live one’s life between two extremes—in this case between elation and despair.

I asked my friend, “Would you describe me as happy?”

“Not really,” my friend replied. “But nor would I describe you as sad.” My friend went on to share, “You smile and laugh a lot, but there are also a lot of times you say nothing and seem disconnected. You simply don’t respond to things most other people do.”

I repeated my question, “Would you describe me as happy?”

“I don’t know,” was my friend’s response.

“Well, how would you describe someone who is happy?” I asked.

“Well,” my friend went on… “Someone who is happy shows that happiness in an outward manner through their communication, both verbal and non-verbal.”

“What does this happiness communication look like to you?”, I asked.

“A person will smile and laugh, and joke around, and… you know, just be happy.” My friend looked a little bewildered at my question.

“Earlier you said I smiled and laughed a lot. Am I not happy then?”

My friend seemed to be getting a little frustrated with my constant comeback-questions and blurted out… “Come on, Rob…you know what I mean. Yes, you smile and laugh a lot; but you don’t behave like those other happy people.”

“How do those other happy people behave?” I asked.

“They get excited and animated,” was my friend’s reply.

“So in some ways you see me as happy, but in other ways you do not?” I asked.

“I guess so,” said my friend.

I thought I would explore the other side of this happy / sad equation with my friend and asked… “Do you see me as sad.”

“No. Definitely not sad. You never seem to be down in the dumps or depressed, or worried, or even bothered my much. How do you do that anyways?”

I laughed at my friend’s question. “May I ask you another question?”

“Sure.” said my friend.

“Do you see me as ‘at peace.’?” I asked.

There was a momentary pause, then my friend tentatively said… “Well…yes. I would describe you as someone who does have a peaceful way about them.”

“So,” I said, “I am neither happy, nor sad. I am at peace.”

“Yeah, that about describes you.” said my friend.

I smiled. “Well,” I said, “then aren’t we all blessed.”

The objects of our happiness and sadness are nothing more than some form of idol, something we choose to replace our relationship with our true self, with the Divine. This idol we seek, that ultimately brings us happiness or sadness, is a thin veneer over our seeking of what the idol represents, not the actual idol itself. Usually, our outward search is for something to make us happy. When that happiness isn’t found, our quest for happiness turns to sadness. But the sadness, too, is a sought-after state of being; an unconscious punishment for betraying our relationship with the Divine and an attempt to appease our guilt for that separation.

The peace we so long for is not found in happiness manifest from anything outside of us. That form of happiness searching will always lead us toward sadness. The middle way, between the extremes of elation and despair, offers the greatest potential for peace. We need neither seek for happiness or sadness. The absence of both these states leaves us in the middle—peace.