Watching Ourselves

“…how blessed we would all be if we had the opportunity to ‘watch’ ourselves in our daily lives.”

Last month I had the interesting experience of being photographed and videotaped as I went through my primary series Ashtanga yoga flow. Ashtanga yoga is a style of yoga codified and popularized by K. Pattabhi Jois and is often promoted as a modern-day form of classical Indian yoga. Ashtanga yoga is characterized by flowing sequences of movements that emphasize breathwork (called ‘ujjayi breathing’ by many) to provide the lifeforce to sustain you throughout your practice—this is fundamental and essential to the Ashtanga flow, given the strenuous and demanding nature of the Ashtanga practice (relative to other forms of yoga). Ashtanga yoga is generally thought to be comprised of three series, or flows—primary (yoga chikitsa: yoga for health), intermediate (nadi shodhana: the nerve purifier), and advanced (sthira bhaga: centering of strength).

I had been invited to participate in this photo and video shoot as part of a friend’s longitudinal study and project to photograph and videotape yoga students. I was pleased to be part of the project and help my friend realize their goals with their project.

Before starting the photo and video session, I remember going over in my mind how I thought I looked doing the Ashtanga primary series—a sort of visualization exercise. My, how we create an image of ourselves in our minds!...and, my owe my, how it so often is ‘not’ anything like reality!!! So…away we went…I doing the yoga series and my friend snapping photographs…all the time the video camera is rolling.

I remember feeling quite pleased with my practice and was sheepishly curious what I actually looked like on video. I always knew there was room for improvement, areas of my practice that needed work—afterall, that’s why one practices, right? So I prepared myself for seeing, at times, a graceful swam moving effortlessly with one’s breath, and, at other times, seeing some areas for improvement. What I actually saw on video was something ‘quite’ different! (said with a raised brow!)

What I saw on video was more like watching a scene from the Bugs Bunny show where Daffy Duck was attending his very first yoga class! I couldn’t believe it was me!!! I remember asking my friend… “Is that me!?” To which he responded, “Yah, that’s you. Looks pretty good, Rob.” “Good!!!???,” I replied. “Are you kidding me!?...I look like Daffy Duck!!!” We both roared laughing.

As I walked home from the photo/video shoot, I replayed the experience in my head. Thoughts were running rampant. My ego was full of all sorts of judgements and hatred about what I saw on video—to the point that I actually thought, for one moment, of giving up my yoga practice. My ego had me believing that I clearly was nowhere near where I thought I was and there was no point in going on, given I had made so little progress in all the time I had been practicing.

On the other shoulder was the calming and soothing presence of the angel. This angel was inviting me to let go of my judgements about myself and return to the basics of yoga and allow the pose to manifest and express itself through me however my body allows it to.

My final revelation about the experience came with the realization of how blessed we would all be if we had the opportunity to ‘watch’ ourselves in our daily lives. No doubt, there would be just a few occurrences of thinking we were a graceful swam in action but noticing something quite different when the video was played back.

And the realization continued when I realized that our spiritual practice IS that opportunity to step outside ourselves and simply observe ourselves. Whether its yoga, meditation, contemplative reading, or study groups…our spiritual practice gives us the opportunity to stop and observe ourselves. But furthermore, our spiritual practice invites us, first, to step outside of ourselves and realize that person in action is not who we really are. And, second, that the person ‘watching’ ourselves is someone we would do well to cultivate a relationship with. For that person—the watchful person—is our true selves, our divine essence. That person is God.

In love, gratitude, compassion and forgiveness…

Shanti, Namaste, Agapé,