Why I don’t give advice

When I begin working with new therapy / counselling clients, I invite an introductory meeting to listen to their issues and expectations of therapy, and to explain how I work (and do not work). After listening to the client’s issues and expectations of the therapeutic process, I explain how I work with an emphasis on the equally, if not more, important ways I do not work.

I begin by sharing with the client that I don’t give advice. This is often met with a “deer in the headlights” look from the client. I so often see the let down in their eyes. I can see them asking themselves… “But I’m coming to you for advice! If you don’t give advice, what do you do? If you don’t give advice, why should I even come to you?” Here are the three reasons I don’t give advice.

First, it is none of my business how anyone lives their life. In that way, I should be with the client in a state of non-judgement.

Second, I cannot know the client’s experience. I cannot know what the client is going through. I cannot know what is best for the client. In fact, I should not even be able to relate to the client’s issues. Yes, you read that correctly. I should not even be able to relate to the client’s issues. If I relate to the client’s issues, then I believe in their story. If I believe in their story, then I collude with their dis-ease. And if I collude with their dis-ease, then I lose the opportunity to heal. The whole purpose of psychotherapy is to question the reality of the client. The client’s perception has them in a state of dis-ease. If I relate to their story, then I cannot be any healing catalyst to them seeing their situation differently and beginning the healing process.

Lastly, and most importantly, people have to live their own lives, make their own decisions, and learn their own life lessons. I often explain to the client that a child does not learn by being told anything, but the child learns by doing and learning from their experience. I use the anecdote of the toddler who is entranced by the red-hot glowing embers of the log burning in the fireplace and goes toward the glowing embers to touch them. The concerned parent, perhaps naturally, intervenes to prevent the child from getting burned. In their intervention, the parent will likely say to the toddler “Don’t touch! You will get burned.” The child understands the ‘don’t touch’ part, because the parent is holding them back from touching. But the child doesn’t understand why (i.e., the child doesn’t understand the ‘you will get burned’ part of the intervention). All the child knows is they want to touch the red-hot glowing embers and mommy or daddy doesn’t want them to touch it. They have not learned why they should not touch the red-hot glowing embers. And they will not learn why until they actually touch the embers some day.

I had a client disagree with this approach once and blurted back to me… “So, metaphorically speaking, if someone was heading toward a pool of quick sand, wouldn’t you warn them?” My response was, “Metaphorically speaking, I hope I wouldn’t warn them. I would stand by, observe their choices, be ready to ‘be there’ for them, and, most importantly, wait until they asked for help. Then, and only then, would I intervene.” The client was not enthused or comforted by my response.

Let me try and explain this last point another way, with an actual, true, real-life situation.

A close friend living in Canada had recently divorced after 20 years of marriage. As the divorce was unfolding they developed an online relationship with someone half their age living in South America. Within 4 months of the divorce being finalized my friend hopped on a plane and flew to spend a few weeks with this person they had met online. As can happen in these situations, my friend fell madly and deeply in love with this person living in South America. My friend was communicating with me throughout their visit with their new-found love. And while they were experience love in overdrive, their life was thrown into upheaval. They held down a job with great responsibility in Canada. They had many family and friends in the Canadian city they lived in. How could they make this long-distance relationship work? They wanted desperately to be with this new-found love in their life.

The above is a true story. And how many of you have heard of such a story? How many of you have had someone in your life experience the same thing? We all know the stories of rebound relationships and how they end up. We all know the stories of the challenges of long-distance relationships and how they often end up. But how can we be so sure the ‘norm’ applies in all situations?

My friend kept asking me, “What do I do? What do I do?” I knew that it wouldn’t matter what I said; my friend was going to do what they wanted to do. I could share all the advice, anecdotes, personal experiences, etc., but toddlers and adults are alike and will, almost universally, not take or listen to advice. And when it comes to matters of the heart, the person embroiled in the euphoria of love, is even less likely to listen to advice. People are going to do what they are going to do. As difficult as it was, at times, I had to stand by, observe my friend’s choices, be ready to be there for them, and, most importantly, let them know I loved them no matter what decision they made. And the only way I was able to stand by and observe their choices was because despite all the statistics and stereotypical scenarios writing, I could not say with 100% certainty that the choices they would make would lead to a certain outcome.

The only thing I could be certain of, and the only thing I could share with my friend, is that this seeming dilemma my friend was facing, this seeming fork in the road, well…they couldn’t make a wrong decision. Life had brought them to this point in their life precisely to make a decision and that they were ready to make that decision—life had equipped them with the tools to make a decision about this situation. It was their lesson for the day. Whatever decision they made, they could be sure they would be faced with another fork in the road at some point down the road and then they would be faced with making another decision. This is the way of life. This is the way of our journey. 

It is none of our business how people live their lives. We cannot know another person’s experience. We must let people live their lives, make their choices, and learn from their life lessons. What can we do then when people ask for our advice? One thing, and one thing only…LOVE them! Love them enough to let them live their own lives. Love them enough to allow them to make their own decisions. Love them enough to let them learn what it is they need to learn. Be with them in that place of love and both of you will know what healing is.