Spiritual Guidance Blog

I have an orientation toward commitment and discipline. It does not come easy, but I have demonstrated to myself throughout my life that commitment and discipline are possible in the face of adversity, external influences, and temptation. So when I decided to change my life a decade ago, I knew the direction I wanted to go in would require great commitment and discipline. But nothing could have prepared me for the level of commitment and discipline I would need. I needed to experience it first-hand in order to understand commitment and discipline on a deeper level.

Almost immediately upon leaving corporate Canada, I began a meditation practice. Soon after that prayer and yoga joined forces with my meditation to form the foundation of my daily practice. New teachings and study were added to that base and soon life itself became my daily practice. Perhaps this last point deserves its article one month. But back to the focus on commitment and discipline…

Along the way there were never any shortage of distractions to vie for my attention. It would range from the seemingly practical necessities of life (e.g., earning money, paying the rent, etc.), to enticing calls to entertain myself, to egoic macerations aimed at tempting me with pleasure and fulfilling desires, to the cornucopia of distractions in the outside world, not to mention all the versions and forms of the preceding brought on by every single person around me.

As life has unfolded for me, I have been blessed to share life with many other students and teachers.  Their journeys through their spiritual practice has been a splendid canvas of masterpiece after masterpiece in the process of being painted. Some begin the journey of spiritual practice but quickly see it dissipate. Fewer stay with it for a short period of time (e.g., a year) before letting it go. Fewer still stay with it for an extended period of time (e.g., a few years) before allowing it to drop away. And even fewer allow the practice to become the foundation of their waking breath and the life force that sustains them for the rest of their days.

One of the more interesting things I have observed across the spectrum of varied efforts, is that the sooner the person allows their spiritual practice to drop away, the sooner they are to return to it in. For example, if a person begins a practice and after a month allows it to fall away, that person will typically want to come back to a practice (most likely a different one) within a month of stopping; versus the person who has been practicing for a few months or a year taking about that amount of time to come back to a practice.

Without exception, when students and teachers speak to me about the reason they have an on-and-off-again approach to their spiritual practice is that their commitment and discipline is weak. They talk about and often ask how they can improve their commitment and discipline, not just to their spiritual practice but any aspect of their lives that requires commitment and discipline.

There is a non-dualistic teaching that speaks directly to this conundrum. The teaching informs us that the issue is not one of commitment or discipline. The issue is that we do not believe we are worth the effort. And under that realization is the ultimate awareness that the reason we do not believe we are worth the effort is because we do not love ourselves.

So I have a message for you…you ARE worth the effort! I love you!! And so do you!!! You just don’t realize it yet.

I live in the urban center of a major city. Last month, every night for more than a week, a car alarm would go off outside my bedroom window. This intermittent assault to the ears and sleep would repeatedly bless me throughout the entire night, every night for more than a week. I came to recognize the unique cadence of this siren blessing—sort of like every violin in the entire philharmonic orchestra was playing with one less string, and out of tune!

After more than a week of disrupted sleep, I decided to go out in the middle of the night to identify the car that was having some difficulty knowing when it was safe and when it needed to scream bloody murder!

It turns out the intermittent car alarm was being sounded by a beautiful, little SMART car. I can remember thinking, “This one ain’t so smart!!!”

I went back inside wondering how this car owner could not also be hearing this disruption, every night, throughout the entire night. I also wondered how other residents were holding back from taking their frustrations out on the car!

I decided I would write the owner of the car a note and leave it on their windshield, so that they would see the note the next time they stepped into their car. I wanted the note to communicate the nightly disruption caused by the siren and a request to get the alarm system fixed. Here is the note I wrote and placed on the car windshield…

      Dear Owner,

This car’s alarm has been going off repeatedly and intermittently throughout the night and early morning for more than a week. I trust you can appreciate this is very disruptive to the sleep of people in the neighborhood. Is it possible to have the car alarm fixed so that there is no further disturbance during the night?

You are welcome to call me at (telephone number provided) to discussed this matter further.

Sincerely,

Robert

Later that day the car owner called me. In summary, they were upset about my letter above and summarily, and in words tempered for this publication, told me to “Buzz Off!!!”

Another night passed with the repeated but intermittent car alarm keeping me awake. I realized another approach was needed. I thought of simply having the car towed away (at the owners expense), but I decided against it in favor of one more attempt to ask the owner of the car to have the car alarm fixed. This time I thought that using a little humor may be the most effective approach in this situation to get the message across. After a few minutes of deliberation, here is the note I wrote and placed on the car windshield…

HELP!  HELP!!   HELP!!!

Dear owner,

You just have to help me! It’s awful!! Please take me to our local dealership for repair, QUICK!!!

I am having an “ID-10-T car alarm” error! My security system alarm is going off repeatedly and intermittently throughout the night and early morning. And this has been going on for over a week now. Do you know how humiliating it is for a SMART car to be having an ID10T error! I have a reputation to uphold here! Please, get me to a repair shop IMMEDIATELY!!!

The neighbors are coming by and kicking me. Some have threatened to use baseball bats if I don’t get this ID10T car alarm error fixed soon! At minimum the neighbors say they will have me towed away to a compound with other ID10Ts!!! I don’t want to die!!! You just have to help me!!!

Your beloved SMART car (going mad!)

The epilogue? No more car alarm during the night. Perhaps a little humor now and then can make a difference. 

I was out for one of my long bike rides last month. At one point on the journey I took a rest at a popular cyclists rest stop. As I stretched my legs and refueled with some ice-cold water I had packed for the journey, I tapped into a conversation two gentlemen were having at a picnic table only a couple of meters from me.

One man was talking to his friend about all the travelling he had been doing recently. He said to his friend, “Have you ever had that feeling of arriving home after a long trip and looking so forward to a good night’s sleep in your own bed? And then you wake up during the night and don’t know where you are?”

“No, not really.” said his friend.

“It’s weird, a little scary even. But after a few times, you get used to it.”

I tuned out from the conversation at this point, as I didn’t want to feel like I was eaves dropping any more than I already had. I smiled, however, at what conversation I had overhead because I thought to myself “What a beautiful and magnificent metaphor for ‘waking up’ spiritually.”

“Have you ever had that feeling of arriving home after a long trip and looking so forward to a good night’s sleep in your own bed?” …symbolic, if not literal, of the illusionary, day-to-day journey we dream up.

“And then you wake up during the night and don’t know where you are?”…symbolic of those moments in life when we are given a window on another reality, other than the one we have been sleep-walking through up until now.

“It’s weird, a little scary even.” …it sure is!!! The first time this happens we lose all sense of relationship and attachment to this world and everything in it. We have few-to-no reference points. It is disorienting to say the least.

“But after a few times, you get used to it.” …some may get used to it; some won’t. But for those who do get used to it, each subsequent awakening moment reveals more about the illusory dream we live in and offers a window on another existence that calls to us like a familiar voice calling us home.

Our ‘waking up’ is a little weird the first time it happens. But we do get used to our glimpses of reality and truth. And the more glimpses we have, the less interested we become in the things of this world. It’s a magnificent transformation.

I was sitting at a local Café waiting for a friend. Before my friend arrive, an acquaintance ventured into the Café. When the acquaintance and I saw each other, we greeted each other with a hug. Before I hugged this acquaintance, however, I felt a surge of compassion course through me because I was aware that this acquaintance had been going through a difficult relationship breakup. I knew this acquaintance had been going through a difficult relationship breakup because their ‘ex’ had been regularly attending one of my weekly therapy groups and had shared their experience of the relationship coming to an end.

As I greeted this acquaintance in the Café, I also felt a little awkward because I knew both the members of the couple. I had heard many stories from the ‘ex’ about how the other had behaved and treated them, both during the relationship and during the breakup. I had not heard the ‘others’ side of the story. So when I was face to face with the ‘other,’ the acquaintance, I did wonder what their side of the story was.

The acquaintance and I chatted briefly. At one point I asked, “How are you?”

“Okay, I guess,” said the acquaintance.

I sensed their dis-ease and let them know I was available to sit with them, and listen, if they wanted or needed that space. We eventually said our goodbyes.

The next morning, I received an email from the acquaintance I bumped into at the Café the evening before. Here is what the acquaintance wrote:

 I couldn't help but think about you after I saw you yesterday. I felt like you had sadness in your eyes. I am no psychic however. Even still, I will wish to have some happiness sent your way.

Who was feeling what in the experience related above? I sensed dis-ease from the acquaintance I greeted in the Café. But was that dis-ease my own? Was it really a projection of my own uncomfortableness in seeing one member of the couple who I had heard so many negative things about? Was the acquaintance’s comment in their email “I felt like you had sadness in your eyes.” merely their projection onto me of their own sadness?

The experience recounted above may seem simple and innocuous. But it is imbued with a plethora of opportunity for reflection, analysis, and healing. Because I can only take responsibility for my own perception and the feelings associated with my perception, I will do well to reflect and examine what was really going on in the two-headed exchange shared above—the meeting at the Café and the email the following morning. Working through what I saw, my emotions, feelings, and reactions, will allow me to carry even more healing energy to other, similar encounters in the future.

I had an interesting exchange with a friend recently that was illuminating for me. The exchange was, on the surface, a rather mundane conversation, but underneath I was presented with a significant realization.

My friend and I were sitting in a café having a coffee. After about 20 minutes of sharing, my friend said to me, “You know, Rob, you don’t ever seem to get excited about anything. Are you happy with your life?” As I took in my friend’s question, an immense peace came over me. I may describe the sensation as joy.

I paused and, looking at my friend, said, “You know, you may be right about not getting excited about much. Perhaps I have unconsciously imbued the symbolic Buddhist teachings about the ‘middle way,’ to live one’s life between two extremes—in this case between elation and despair.

I asked my friend, “Would you describe me as happy?”

“Not really,” my friend replied. “But nor would I describe you as sad.” My friend went on to share, “You smile and laugh a lot, but there are also a lot of times you say nothing and seem disconnected. You simply don’t respond to things most other people do.”

I repeated my question, “Would you describe me as happy?”

“I don’t know,” was my friend’s response.

“Well, how would you describe someone who is happy?” I asked.

“Well,” my friend went on… “Someone who is happy shows that happiness in an outward manner through their communication, both verbal and non-verbal.”

“What does this happiness communication look like to you?”, I asked.

“A person will smile and laugh, and joke around, and… you know, just be happy.” My friend looked a little bewildered at my question.

“Earlier you said I smiled and laughed a lot. Am I not happy then?”

My friend seemed to be getting a little frustrated with my constant comeback-questions and blurted out… “Come on, Rob…you know what I mean. Yes, you smile and laugh a lot; but you don’t behave like those other happy people.”

“How do those other happy people behave?” I asked.

“They get excited and animated,” was my friend’s reply.

“So in some ways you see me as happy, but in other ways you do not?” I asked.

“I guess so,” said my friend.

I thought I would explore the other side of this happy / sad equation with my friend and asked… “Do you see me as sad.”

“No. Definitely not sad. You never seem to be down in the dumps or depressed, or worried, or even bothered my much. How do you do that anyways?”

I laughed at my friend’s question. “May I ask you another question?”

“Sure.” said my friend.

“Do you see me as ‘at peace.’?” I asked.

There was a momentary pause, then my friend tentatively said… “Well…yes. I would describe you as someone who does have a peaceful way about them.”

“So,” I said, “I am neither happy, nor sad. I am at peace.”

“Yeah, that about describes you.” said my friend.

I smiled. “Well,” I said, “then aren’t we all blessed.”

The objects of our happiness and sadness are nothing more than some form of idol, something we choose to replace our relationship with our true self, with the Divine. This idol we seek, that ultimately brings us happiness or sadness, is a thin veneer over our seeking of what the idol represents, not the actual idol itself. Usually, our outward search is for something to make us happy. When that happiness isn’t found, our quest for happiness turns to sadness. But the sadness, too, is a sought-after state of being; an unconscious punishment for betraying our relationship with the Divine and an attempt to appease our guilt for that separation.

The peace we so long for is not found in happiness manifest from anything outside of us. That form of happiness searching will always lead us toward sadness. The middle way, between the extremes of elation and despair, offers the greatest potential for peace. We need neither seek for happiness or sadness. The absence of both these states leaves us in the middle—peace.